i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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