After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
