have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize