doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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