i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
