Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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