Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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