I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize