New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
