Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
