I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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