Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
