he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize