Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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