The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
