How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just want nice things and good sex
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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