Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
