I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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