It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
