Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
