hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
