I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
