shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
