actually, I'm a sock model
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you inspire me to be a worse person
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
