I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
