Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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