There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
