I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
