Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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