i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
