I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
