I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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