Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So vagazzling was a success
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
