She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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