The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
