She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
