Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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