Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
