I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
