Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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