How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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