does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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