I just saw a hot homeless man
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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