Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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