i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What drink are we having for lunch?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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