sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
