when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
