How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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