dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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