Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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