I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
