the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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