go do what you do best...puke behind churches
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
