I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize