Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
