I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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