I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
