textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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