Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize