I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
